Republican Candidates to Bush: Please Don't Endorse Us

President Bush (l), who flew to Virginia to personally torpedo the election prospects of gubernatorial candidate Jerry Kilgore (r).

WHITE HOUSE-- After stinging defeats in elections this past week, Republicans are re-grouping with a new strategy: at all costs, avoid President Bush.

In elections Tuesday, Republicans were handed defeats around the country. Republican candidates were defeated in races for Governor in New Jersey and Virginia; Republican-backed ballot measures in California were voted down as well.

"Well, one thing you can see here," said strategist Jared Hasty, "is that basically anything that Bush touched turned into a turd pile. He's the political equivalent of Typhoid Mary."

This has not gone unnoticed by Republicans who are running for reelection in 2006. President Bush offered to campaign in support of Representative Ted Johnson (R-Nevada).

"It was awkward, but I had to say no thanks," said Johnson. "I just know he'd say something like, 'I know Ted Johnson, and ole Ted, he's a good man. You should send him to Washington.' Well, ole' Ted might as well pack it in right there, because that's the kiss of death."

Hasty is already formulating strategies for candidates to distance themselves from President Bush and the Administration.

"I will be telling my candidates that if their Caller ID says 'White House,' let it go to voicemail. If you talk to the President later, you can tell him you must have been in the washroom or something."

"And if-- heaven forbid-- the President decides to visit your state, I recommend being out of town then," said Hasty. "Maybe you can suddenly 'remember' you are part of a trade delegation or something."

"Most of these guys managed to avoid the draft. I think they can avoid President Bush."