Thursday, February 01, 2007

Iran Provokes Confrontation with US in Gulf of Tonkin

WASHINGTON DC – In an early morning press conference, Vice Presidential Press Secretary Goldie Swanson disclosed that a confrontation had taken place between Iranian and US warships in the Gulf of Tonkin.

“The Iranian – or, ‘Evil’ – warship deliberately and repeatedly confronted the American cruiser, until the American cruiser had no choice but to resort to the use of force. Kind of like Alan Ladd’s character in ‘Shane.’”

When asked why Iran would have a ship in the Tonkin Gulf, several thousand miles away off the coast of Vietnam, Swanson replied, “we don’t know, but they did. It is what it is. The evil ship attacked the good ship, and the good ship, which doesn’t like to use force, had to use force. Kind of like the Incredible Hulk.”

“Isn’t the Gulf of Tonkin where we provoked the first conflict in the Vietnam war?” asked one reporter. (Seriously, only one.)

“Yeah,” said Swanson. “Weird coincidence, huh?”

Swanson then added that the Administration would send an e-mail to congress “probably in the next few days” just to remind them that the Administration didn’t need Congress's permission to do anything, anywhere, ever.

Casey Thinks Nomination Hearings Going "Extremely Well"

WASHINGTON DC - General George Casey, the US Army General overseeing all multinational troops in Iraq (except the Iranian ones), came under withering criticism during his hearing today to be confirmed as the new Army Chief of Staff.

"General, you have presided over one of the worst military debacles in our nation's history, you have steadfastly remained in denial about the dire state of affairs in Iraq," said Senator Harris Krumpacker. "Can we expect you to continue on in this manner if you are confirmed as Chief of Staff?"

"First of all, thank you for those kind words, Senator," responded Casey. "I am proud of my accomplishments in Iraq, and I will bring to my new role the same unshakable conviction that I will be successful."

"General, I'm not sure you heard the Senator," said Senator Homer Tipton. "What he said is: you were doing an absolutely shitty job. You could screw up a 2 car funeral. You suck! Do you understand? Will you suck as badly at your new job as you did in the old one?"

"Again, Senator, I appreciate this vote of confidence, and if confirmed, I believe you can expect more of the same from me."

Casey was subjected to more sharp criticism prior to taking a midday recess. Asked during the recess how the hearings were going, Casey replied, "Extremely smoothly. Not 'Operation Iraqi Freedom' smoothly, but I'm very confident."

Monday, January 29, 2007

I don't have to see "The Queen" to know Helen Mirren deserves an Oscar.

I don't need to see "the Queen" to know that Helen Mirren deserves an Oscar. I just know. Look, I read the ticker under the local news while I eat breakfast. I read things on the internet, I listen to the radio. So write it down: Helen Mirren will win for "the Queen." There's just no doubt about it.

Did I see it? Nope. Am I wrong? Nope.

I haven't seen any of the Oscar-nominated movies this year. I don't really go to those kinds of movies. The last movie I saw in the theater was "Talladega Nights." (It was funny, but not Oscar-funny. It was no "Jackass 2.") But I don't need to see the movies to tell you what's what with Oscar.

"Dreamgirls?" Shut out of the Best Director or Best Picture categories, which probably means Jennifer Hudson or Eddie Murphy gets a nod.

Forrest Whittaker delivered a powerful performance as Idi Amin in "Last King of Scotland," he'll take home the trophy. Why do I even know that? I don't know why. I just do.

Directing? Clint Eastwood is always good, but Scorsese is your winner. It's Marty's year.

"Little Miss Sunshine?" nice little movie, great word of mouth, but not what the Academy looks for in a Best Picture. That will be "Babel." Do I even know what it's about? No. But it will win. Bank on it.

Wednesday, November 08, 2006

Totally 80's!

(Music plays - it sounds very much like those ads for Trivial Pursuit's "Totally 80's" version...except it's slightly different.)

John Negroponte: Who helped funnel secret aid to the Contras in Nicaragua, and is now Director of Central Intelligence?

(Music: totally 80's!)

Daniel Ortega: Who led the Sandinistas fight against the Contras, but was just re-elected President of Nicaragua?

(Music: totally 80's!)

Announcer: They're all here- James A. Baker III, Elliott Abrams...and now Robert Gates is joining the party, too!

What party? The Bush Administration's Totally 80's! Iran-Contra House Party, that's what!

All of your favorite characters from the Iran-Contra Affair are gonna be here! (John Poindexter was here, but he had to leave.)

Who knows who else is coming? Robert McFarlane? Oliver North? Fawn Hall? Eugene Hasenfus?

Grab a New Coke, kick off your Air Jordan's and enjoy!

Cheney Hears What Voters Are Saying: "Keep Up the Good Work"

Jackson, WYOMING (November 8)-- Vice President Dick Cheney spent election day hunting with his daughter Mary. After the hunt (during which the Vice President bagged two pheasants, a lobbyist and a Dixie Chick), the Vice President watched election returns at home with wife, porn-novelist Lynne Cheney.

Reached by phone on "Larry King Live," Cheney said that he thought that yes, voters were sending the Administration a message.

"And the message they're sending, if you will, Larry, is this: you guys are doing a terrific job. We wouldn't change a thing. Steady as she goes. So to speak."

King commented that he thought perhaps the coast to coast Republican losses might be seen as a referendum on the Administration's performance, particularly in Iraq.

"I don't think so, Larry, and I'll tell you why. First of all, you and I know, and the American people are smart enough to know, that the President and I were not on the ballot. Second, I think that those incumbents who lost probably did so because they didn't support us enough, if you will."

After King made a completely off-topic remark about how he didn't understand why people thought "Borat" was funny, Cheney continued.

"We've looked at our internal numbers," said Cheney, "and the fact of the matter is that they show that a clear majority of Americans favor us doing exactly what it is that we want to do. And furthermore, a strong majority of surviving Iraqis still supports our efforts to bring democracy to that country. So to speak."

"Those numbers sound quite different than any polls we've been seeing, Mr. Vice President," said a momentarily lucid King.

"Look, Larry, I'm not going to talk about hypotheticals with you."

"That's not hypothetical, Mr. Vice President," said King.

"Nevertheless," Cheney continued, "we look forward to working with our colleagues on both sides of the aisle to do whatever the hell we feel like doing. And we hope they share that objective."


Meanwhile, President Bush announced that he called to congratulate putative Speaker-Elect Nancy Pelosi, and had invited her for lunch at the White House today. On the menu: seared Republican incumbent, accompanied by poached head of Karl Rove, marinated in desperation and failure.

Friday, November 03, 2006

Pastor Admits to Allegations
After previous denials, Haggard admits, "I have a problem"

Colorado Springs, CO - After initial denials, Reverend Ted Haggard has admitted to at least some of the allegations brought against him yesterday by a Denver-area male prostitute.

Denver resident Mike Jones claimed that Haggard paid him for sex about once a month for three years as well as for methamphetamines.

Haggard has temporarily stepped down as Senior Pastor of the 14,000-member New Life Church and head of the 30 million-member National Association of Evangelicals. Haggard communicated with associate pastor Neil Garnish, who relayed a statement.

"Pastor Haggard told me he had made mistakes. He said he has a substance abuse problem, and he will begin seeking treatment immediately," said Garnish.

"Much of the last three years, he said, he was so high and/or drunk, that when he had encounters with male prostitutes, he actually believed he was sanctifying the bonds of his marriage by engaging in wholesome heterosexual intercourse," said Garnish.

"Reverend Haggard also disclosed to me that as a young boy, he suffered abuse at the hands of his congressman. He believes his recent behaviors are a direct result of carrying this silent shame for so many years."

Haggard is staying out of the public eye, but he is believed to have checked into a rehab facility, possibly in Florida.

Meanwhile in Colorado Springs, observers both inside and outside the New Life Church expressed surprise.

"Absolutely, I was shocked," said Innes Fogarty, 43, who is a a member of the New Life Church. "Reverend Ted was always saying how homosexuality was wrong and immoral. Who would have ever guessed that the whole time, he already had it, that he was a carrier?"

"I was surprised, actually," said carpenter Wayne Harris, who does not attend church regularly.

"What I don't get is why the guy would need meth to 'heighten his sexual experiences.' I would have thought that engaging in such profoundly hypocritical behavior would be stimulating enough," said Harris.

Pastor Denies Gay Prostitute's Allegations
Allegations "riddled with inaccuracies," says Haggard

Colorado Springs, CO - Evangelical Pastor and political power broker Ted Haggard forcefully denied the allegations raised yesterday by a Denver-area gay prostitute.

When confronted with the allegations yesterday, Haggard responded defiantly.

"These allegations are riddled with inaccuracies," Haggard said, "This is being brought up obviously for purely political reasons."

His accuser, Denver resident Mike Jones, claimed that Haggard paid him for sex about once a month for three years as well as for methamphetamines.

The allegations could do political damage in Colorado. An initiative banning gay marriage is on the ballot. As a result, the conservative spin machine has kicked into gear.

The Freedom Alliance for the Advocacy of American Values, a Colorado-based conservative think tank, cast skepticism on Jones's allegations.

"These allegations are clearly false," said the Freedom Alliance's Josh Pugh. "Ted Haggard doesn't even go to Denver but every couple months. And he would never knowingly spend that kind of money buying crystal meth from a male prostitute."

"The people of this area all know what kind of a man Pastor Ted is," added Pugh. "Ted denied the allegations. That's good enough for us, so we consider the matter closed."

Pugh added that there was a clear political agenda behind the timing of the allegations.

"There's no question but that these allegations came out now for political reasons," said Pugh.

"The gay rights lobby wants to distract voters from the grave threat posed by giving gay people equal protection before the law. If that's what the Founding Fathers of this country had wanted, they would have put it in the Constitution."

Monday, October 09, 2006

North Korea Upgraded to "Axis of Valuable Allies"

Washington, DC - Following its successful nuclear test, the White House has promoted to North Korea to become a member of the "Axis of Valuable Allies."

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting
"Bring me my brown pants!"

Previously, the President had labeled North Korea a member of the "Axis of Evil." In today's press conference, Snow was asked about the apparent abrupt change.

"There really hasn't been an abrupt change. We were, you know, monitoring North Korea, and so we started them off in the penalty box, if you will," said Snow. "They were like a teenager getting their driver's permit, if you will."

"But now that we've seen that they have the capability to safely explode a nuclear device, we are pleased to have them join us as an ally in the global war on terror. We're pretty sure that Kim Jong Il shares our interest in building an enduring democracy in Iraq. If you will."

Thursday, September 21, 2006

Popeye Hospitalized in Fair Condition
"I gots a hell of a scare - ug-ug-ug!"

Newark, NJ - Popeye the Sailor Man, 77, was in fair condition after being admitted to Parkside Nondenominational Hospital with symptoms of E. Coli infection.

"Popeye presented at the emergency room late last night with fever, cramps, diarrhea - classic symptoms" of E. Coli infection, said Dr. Ajay Gupta, attending physician.

As of Thursday morning, Popeye was taking fluids intravenously and resting.

"I had fixed Popeye a big Cobb salad for dinner, like usual," said his common law wife, Olive Oyl, 73, of Bayonne.

"I tried to convince him to have hearts of romaine, or endive, maybe some arugula. But he insisted on spinach," she added.

"Usually when he eats it, his biceps turn into little anvils and his forearms become jackhammers. But instead his stomach turned into a boxing glove. He said, 'argh, this salad's sockin' me in the gut!' I knew he needed help."

Bagged spinach has been blamed for the current E. Coli outbreak, which has spread across 21 states. Spinach is a green leafy vegetable which, when not tainted with a toxic, potentially fatal bacteria, is rich in vitamins and minerals.

Dr. Gupta said he believed Popeye would make a full recovery, in part because he received immediate medical attention.

"Popeye is in excellent health for a man of his age, but E. Coli is a very serious illness. Ms. Oyl's prompt action may have saved his life," said Gupta.

Monday, August 14, 2006

Responding to airline liquid ban, Starbucks introduces new products

Seattle- In response to the recent ban on carrying liquids aboard flights, Starbucks has hastened its introduction of several new non-liquid coffee alternatives.

"We were already test-marketing a few different things," said new product manager Elliot Overbeak. "This latest development did cause us to speed up our launch timetable."

Among the new products being tested in airports around the country are:
  • the Latteblock, a brick of dehydrated caffe latte the size of a deck of cards; "you just kind of lick it, like a salt lick," explained Overbeak.
  • Java Jerky, coffee-flavored strips of dried beef marinated in Sumatran Fair Trade Shade Grown coffee;
  • the Espresso Patch, which delivers the equivalent of 3 double espressos over a four hour period.
Starbucks had also introduced a caramel macchiato suppository, but it was quickly removed from the market.

"The suppository worked like a charm, but people kept coming back and complaining about the taste. So we thought, 'maybe the market isn't ready for that one yet.'"

Starbucks, based in Seattle, has 413,000 outlets in 46 airports nationwide. Starbucks is an active sponsor of numerous non-profits and charities, but that's mostly to counteract the perception that it is a greedy, soulless multinational conglomerate.