Republican Leadership Wants Feeding Tube for Abramoff

WASHINGTON DC-- The GOP leadership in the House and the Senate held a rare joint press conference today to demand that a feeding tube be inserted into lobbyist Jack Abramoff.

Abramoff, a long-time lobbyist with extensive connections to Republican congressman, agreed to plead guilty to three felony counts on Tuesday. It is widely expected that he will cooperate with the Justice Department's investigation, which could implicate many Republican lawmakers.


Senator/Doctor Bill Frist (R-TN) with Representative Dennis Hastert (R-IL)

"This case is symbolic of the GOP's continued concern for the protection of human life," said Speaker of the House Dennis Hastert (R-Illinois). "Our opponents are using Mr. Abramoff to continue their strategy of eroding our cherished American values."

Senate majority leader Bill Frist (R-Tennessee) also spoke. "Some critics may say that this step is unnecessary. But as a physician, I can tell you that when I examined Mr. Abramoff on CNN last night, he looked pallid and quite possibly malnourished."

"The most prudent course of action in this circumstance is to sedate Mr. Abramoff, induce a medical coma, and insert the feeding tube."

When asked how long Mr. Abramoff should remain in this state, Frist replied, "about a year."


Abramoff: Pallid, malnourished

Speaker Hastert added that Representative Tom Delay, who is closely associated with Abramoff, was "prepared to keep a bedside vigil with Abramoff throughout his ordeal."