What Does a Nukes-Crazed Madman Have To Do To Get Some Attention? by Kim Jong Il

What do I have to do to get some attention? Huh, President Bush?

I have made all sorts of dire threats against the United States and my neighbors in the region. I possess nuclear weapons. Do you hear me? NUCLEAR WEAPONS! Not, "nuclear development-related programs." That's for amateurs. I've got the real deal, baby.

But does anyone pay the slightest bit of attention to me? NO! No. Bush is all "Iran poses the greatest threat blah blah blah." "Iran could have nuclear weapons within two years blah blah blah."

What, are you kidding me? I've got nukes today. Hell, I could put a nuke on Emperor Akihito's breakfast table tomorrow. You want me to blow something up? Is that what you're waiting for?

I'm part of the Axis of Evil, right? Cool. I think, "maybe Bush is starting to notice me." But then the next thing I know, you've got a mad crush on this Ahmadinejad guy. Why? What about me? What does he have that I don't have? So Ahmad-whatever is a "threat?" You say he's "not to be trusted?" That he's a "loose-cannon?" Hel-lo! Remember me? I'm a "loose cannon." I invented "loose cannon." Please, this guy's a poser.

I'm like Duckie in Pretty in Pink. What's it gonna take to get you to notice me?

Don't you get it? Ahmadinejad is all talk. He's boasting, making all these spectacular claims. I mean, a world leader in the 21st century who says the holocaust was a hoax? That's pretty out there. That's so crazy, even I think it's crazy.

President Bush. George. Haven't we already been down this road before? Does the name Saddam Hussein ring any bells?

I know you, George! I believe in you. I believe in my heart that, eventually, you will see through this guy's act.

You keep looking all over the place for a "nuclear menace" and "a threat to world peace." And in the end, you will see that the real menace, the real threat, has been right in front of you all along.

I'll be waiting for you.