Bush Nominates Longtime Henchperson for Supreme Court

WASHINGTON (October 3)-- President Bush nominated Harriet Miers to replace Sandra Day O'Connor on the Supreme Court. The President made the announcement this morning in the Oval Office.

Miers, the White House General Counsel and long-time friend of the Bush family, previously practiced law in Texas and served as part of both the Bush campaign and administration. She has never served as a judge before.

"Harriet is a fine attorney who has been a loyal member of my team for-- what's it been now, 15, 20 years?"

"23 years in January, Mr. President."

"23 years. If I had a problem-- and I've had one or two, haven't I? I've always been able to call her up and say 'fix this,' and she'd fix it. And it would stay fixed, right?"

"Yes, Mr. President."

"Heck, I once called her a pit bull in size-6 shoes. Isn't that right, Hattie?"

"Yes, Mr. President. It was very funny."

"Well, it turned out her feet were actually size 8. But because she's so loyal, she's worn size 6 shoes ever since, even though it has caused her great pain and disfigurement."

"That's what the Supreme Court needs - more loyalty to the President," Bush added.

When it was pointed out that an independent judiciary was enshrined in the Constitution and was a linchpin of American democracy, the President chided reporters.

"There, you see? You guys never report the positive stuff, like the loyalty and the foot-binding!" he said.

"That's the problem with some members of the media- they only report the negative side of the story. 'Oh, she doesn't have experience.' Well, neither did I! And look how that's turned out."