Tour De France Winner Landis Fails Drug Test

LONDON -- Tour De France officials disclosed today that Floyd Landis, the American who last Sunday claimed the title in cycling's biggest event, has failed a drug test.

Marcel Grenouille, spokesman for the International Cycling Federation, said that the sample Landis provided after Stage 17 showed elevated levels of testosterone.

"The levels were really high," said Grenouille. "We've only ever seen levels this high before among survivors of Chernobyl and National League outfielders."

A spokesman for Phonak, Landis's team, declined to comment. However, a member of the Phonak team, speaking on the condition of anonymity, said that Landis has talked to teammates about the positive test.

According to the source, Landis believes that his testosterone levels may have been elevated by prolonged exposure to "Walker: Texas Ranger."

"Floyd's a huge Chuck Norris fan, so he relaxes between races by watching his 'Walker: Texas Ranger' DVDs. He's always watching them," said the source.

"Maybe watching Chuck Norris kick so much ass caused his testosterone levels to spike."

A member of a rival team offered a different theory, however.

"During the race, Floyd was very secretive about his hydration strategy, and didn't let anyone else touch his water bottles," said the rival.

"It is my belief that Floyd Landis's water bottles contained a mixture of Gatorade and the concentrated perspiration of Lance Armstrong."

Phonak team officials declined to comment.