Totally 80's!

(Music plays - it sounds very much like those ads for Trivial Pursuit's "Totally 80's" version...except it's slightly different.)

John Negroponte: Who helped funnel secret aid to the Contras in Nicaragua, and is now Director of Central Intelligence?

(Music: totally 80's!)

Daniel Ortega: Who led the Sandinistas fight against the Contras, but was just re-elected President of Nicaragua?

(Music: totally 80's!)

Announcer: They're all here- James A. Baker III, Elliott Abrams...and now Robert Gates is joining the party, too!

What party? The Bush Administration's Totally 80's! Iran-Contra House Party, that's what!

All of your favorite characters from the Iran-Contra Affair are gonna be here! (John Poindexter was here, but he had to leave.)

Who knows who else is coming? Robert McFarlane? Oliver North? Fawn Hall? Eugene Hasenfus?

Grab a New Coke, kick off your Air Jordan's and enjoy!

Cheney Hears What Voters Are Saying: "Keep Up the Good Work"

Jackson, WYOMING (November 8)-- Vice President Dick Cheney spent election day hunting with his daughter Mary. After the hunt (during which the Vice President bagged two pheasants, a lobbyist and a Dixie Chick), the Vice President watched election returns at home with wife, porn-novelist Lynne Cheney.

Reached by phone on "Larry King Live," Cheney said that he thought that yes, voters were sending the Administration a message.

"And the message they're sending, if you will, Larry, is this: you guys are doing a terrific job. We wouldn't change a thing. Steady as she goes. So to speak."

King commented that he thought perhaps the coast to coast Republican losses might be seen as a referendum on the Administration's performance, particularly in Iraq.

"I don't think so, Larry, and I'll tell you why. First of all, you and I know, and the American people are smart enough to know, that the President and I were not on the ballot. Second, I think that those incumbents who lost probably did so because they didn't support us enough, if you will."

After King made a completely off-topic remark about how he didn't understand why people thought "Borat" was funny, Cheney continued.

"We've looked at our internal numbers," said Cheney, "and the fact of the matter is that they show that a clear majority of Americans favor us doing exactly what it is that we want to do. And furthermore, a strong majority of surviving Iraqis still supports our efforts to bring democracy to that country. So to speak."

"Those numbers sound quite different than any polls we've been seeing, Mr. Vice President," said a momentarily lucid King.

"Look, Larry, I'm not going to talk about hypotheticals with you."

"That's not hypothetical, Mr. Vice President," said King.

"Nevertheless," Cheney continued, "we look forward to working with our colleagues on both sides of the aisle to do whatever the hell we feel like doing. And we hope they share that objective."

***

Meanwhile, President Bush announced that he called to congratulate putative Speaker-Elect Nancy Pelosi, and had invited her for lunch at the White House today. On the menu: seared Republican incumbent, accompanied by poached head of Karl Rove, marinated in desperation and failure.

Pastor Admits to Allegations After previous denials, Haggard admits, "I have a problem"

Colorado Springs, CO - After initial denials, Reverend Ted Haggard has admitted to at least some of the allegations brought against him yesterday by a Denver-area male prostitute.

Denver resident Mike Jones claimed that Haggard paid him for sex about once a month for three years as well as for methamphetamines.

Haggard has temporarily stepped down as Senior Pastor of the 14,000-member New Life Church and head of the 30 million-member National Association of Evangelicals. Haggard communicated with associate pastor Neil Garnish, who relayed a statement.

"Pastor Haggard told me he had made mistakes. He said he has a substance abuse problem, and he will begin seeking treatment immediately," said Garnish.

"Much of the last three years, he said, he was so high and/or drunk, that when he had encounters with male prostitutes, he actually believed he was sanctifying the bonds of his marriage by engaging in wholesome heterosexual intercourse," said Garnish.

"Reverend Haggard also disclosed to me that as a young boy, he suffered abuse at the hands of his congressman. He believes his recent behaviors are a direct result of carrying this silent shame for so many years."

Haggard is staying out of the public eye, but he is believed to have checked into a rehab facility, possibly in Florida.

Meanwhile in Colorado Springs, observers both inside and outside the New Life Church expressed surprise.

"Absolutely, I was shocked," said Innes Fogarty, 43, who is a a member of the New Life Church. "Reverend Ted was always saying how homosexuality was wrong and immoral. Who would have ever guessed that the whole time, he already had it, that he was a carrier?"

"I was surprised, actually," said carpenter Wayne Harris, who does not attend church regularly.

"What I don't get is why the guy would need meth to 'heighten his sexual experiences.' I would have thought that engaging in such profoundly hypocritical behavior would be stimulating enough," said Harris.

Pastor Denies Gay Prostitute's AllegationsAllegations "riddled with inaccuracies," says Haggard

Colorado Springs, CO - Evangelical Pastor and political power broker Ted Haggard forcefully denied the allegations raised yesterday by a Denver-area gay prostitute.

When confronted with the allegations yesterday, Haggard responded defiantly.

"These allegations are riddled with inaccuracies," Haggard said, "This is being brought up obviously for purely political reasons."

His accuser, Denver resident Mike Jones, claimed that Haggard paid him for sex about once a month for three years as well as for methamphetamines.

The allegations could do political damage in Colorado. An initiative banning gay marriage is on the ballot. As a result, the conservative spin machine has kicked into gear.

The Freedom Alliance for the Advocacy of American Values, a Colorado-based conservative think tank, cast skepticism on Jones's allegations.

"These allegations are clearly false," said the Freedom Alliance's Josh Pugh. "Ted Haggard doesn't even go to Denver but every couple months. And he would never knowingly spend that kind of money buying crystal meth from a male prostitute."

"The people of this area all know what kind of a man Pastor Ted is," added Pugh. "Ted denied the allegations. That's good enough for us, so we consider the matter closed."

Pugh added that there was a clear political agenda behind the timing of the allegations.

"There's no question but that these allegations came out now for political reasons," said Pugh.

"The gay rights lobby wants to distract voters from the grave threat posed by giving gay people equal protection before the law. If that's what the Founding Fathers of this country had wanted, they would have put it in the Constitution."