Iran Provokes Confrontation with US in Gulf of Tonkin

WASHINGTON DC – In an early morning press conference, Vice Presidential Press Secretary Goldie Swanson disclosed that a confrontation had taken place between Iranian and US warships in the Gulf of Tonkin.

“The Iranian – or, ‘Evil’ – warship deliberately and repeatedly confronted the American cruiser, until the American cruiser had no choice but to resort to the use of force. Kind of like Alan Ladd’s character in ‘Shane.’”

When asked why Iran would have a ship in the Tonkin Gulf, several thousand miles away off the coast of Vietnam, Swanson replied, “we don’t know, but they did. It is what it is. The evil ship attacked the good ship, and the good ship, which doesn’t like to use force, had to use force. Kind of like the Incredible Hulk.”

“Isn’t the Gulf of Tonkin where we provoked the first conflict in the Vietnam war?” asked one reporter. (Seriously, only one.)

“Yeah,” said Swanson. “Weird coincidence, huh?”

Swanson then added that the Administration would send an e-mail to congress “probably in the next few days” just to remind them that the Administration didn’t need Congress's permission to do anything, anywhere, ever.

Casey Thinks Nomination Hearings Going "Extremely Well"

WASHINGTON DC - General George Casey, the US Army General overseeing all multinational troops in Iraq (except the Iranian ones), came under withering criticism during his hearing today to be confirmed as the new Army Chief of Staff.

"General, you have presided over one of the worst military debacles in our nation's history, you have steadfastly remained in denial about the dire state of affairs in Iraq," said Senator Harris Krumpacker. "Can we expect you to continue on in this manner if you are confirmed as Chief of Staff?"

"First of all, thank you for those kind words, Senator," responded Casey. "I am proud of my accomplishments in Iraq, and I will bring to my new role the same unshakable conviction that I will be successful."

"General, I'm not sure you heard the Senator," said Senator Homer Tipton. "What he said is: you were doing an absolutely shitty job. You could screw up a 2 car funeral. You suck! Do you understand? Will you suck as badly at your new job as you did in the old one?"

"Again, Senator, I appreciate this vote of confidence, and if confirmed, I believe you can expect more of the same from me."

Casey was subjected to more sharp criticism prior to taking a midday recess. Asked during the recess how the hearings were going, Casey replied, "Extremely smoothly. Not 'Operation Iraqi Freedom' smoothly, but I'm very confident."