Today's Headlines

Editor of Afghan Women's Magazine Arrested
The charge? Being the Editor of an Afghan Women's Magazine.

Two Americans and a German Win the Nobel Prize for Physics
They won the prize for something that you wouldn't understand, but if you were stoned, it would blow your mind.

Lindsey Lohan injured in Car Crash Caused by Paparazzi
The paparazzi were moving in to feast on their glamorous prey when a quick thinking sheriff's deputy blew his whistle and made loud noises, scaring the paparazzi away.

Seattle to Allow New Strip Clubs
For the first time in 17 years, Seattle will allow new Strip Clubs. Among the regulations governing the new clubs: patrons must stay four feet from the strippers, as well as brighter lighting. Also: all strippers' breast implants must be made from 100% post-consumer recycled plastic.

President Bush Mulls Possible Replacements for Greenspan
President Bush must find a replacement for outgoing Fed Chairman Alan Greenspan, whose term ends in January. On the President's short list: anyone he went to college with who has zero relevant experience.

Congressional Republicans Seek to Slash Food Aid to Poor by $1.5B
Next up? Canceling Christmas.