Ashlee Simpson returns to US after Health Scare; Band Continues Tour of Japan Without Her

LOS ANGELES-- After fainting following a performance in Japan, Ashlee Simpson returned to the US on Saturday, "to be closer to her publicist."

Simpson, the younger sister of the equally vapid Jessica Simpson, will convalesce at her home in Los Angeles. She is suffering from Diva-related fatigue, according to Dr. Wayne Malatesta. "For normal people, it would be treated by taking a nap, maybe going to bed early. But as a young diva, her immune system is fragile from years of living on veggie wraps and Kool 100 menthols," according to Malatesta. "It maybe weeks before she is able to lip-synch again."



Simpson was in the middle of her song "Boyfriend," when she abruptly left the stage. Her band continued to play, as they usually do whenever she leaves the stage in the middle of a song.

"We're pretty much used to it by now," said drummer Alan Robinson. "We just keep playing like we always do. Why not? I mean, it's not like the vocal track in the sound booth stopped."

Robinson said the band plans to continue the tour without Simpson.

"We feel we play better when she's not there, anyway," said Robinson. "We can really rock out without worrying about her throwing us off."

"People don't seem to mind that Ashlee herself isn't there. The audiences have been phenomenal."

Bush Vows to Keep Spying On You For Your Own Good

WASHINGTON -- In a news conference today President Bush made a strident defense of the use of domestic spying without court orders.

"What some people don't seem to understand is that we are at war here, and that my being able to spy on you without any oversight is a vital tool in this war," said the President.

"I swore an oath to uphold the laws and to defend the Constitution, and I will do that, even if it requires that I abridge your fundamental civil rights."

When a reporter pointed out that there seemed to be a contradiction in preserving our rights by violating our rights, the President became visibly irritated.

"Look," said an exasperated President Bush, "in order to preserve our democracy, I have to have the absolute power to do whatever I decide is necessary. Are we clear? I said, are we clear??"

The President then motioned to his Chief of Staff, Andrew Card, and had the reporter dragged from the room.



"Sometimes you have to kill the patient in order to save the patient."

Small Town Newspaper's "Then and Now" Feature Struggles to Find Evidence of Progress

Clay City, IN - The "Then and Now" feature in the Clay City Observer is struggling to find examples of progress, according to Features Editor Amanda Grimes.

"It's hard," says Grimes. "It's supposed to show how much the town has progressed over the years. But not much happens around here. I covered when the bank got their new sign that shows the date and temperature last spring. That was big. But since then things have quieted down."


Grimes: "I'm running out of ideas."

Despite Grimes's struggles, Observer publisher Charlie Klug has no plans to drop the feature.

"Oh, heaven's no! I think we've made a lot of progress. We just have to be more creative," says Klug, who is also a member of the town council. "Let me give you a few examples."

"Look - this was when they opened the Wal-Mart over in Spencer! I guess technically that wasn't here in Clay City, but it was exciting for us to have it so close by. Or here-- look at how much more parking there is downtown, now that the highway bypasses us," say Klug.

"I find some things I could show but they aren't-- how shall I put it? Not appropriate, not uplifting," says Grimes. "For instance, I could show how the Police Station no longer has the signs saying "Colored" and "White" next to the drinking fountains. Or how the graffiti on the water tower changes each year."

Grimes said she is considering changing the feature to "Then and Now: Then and Now," showing how the feature itself has changed over the last 20 years.

"I'm running out of ideas," she says.