Just A Few Headlines

Sometimes the regular headlines are better than any story you could make up.

I've been so busy this week that I haven't written anything. Nevertheless, I thought I'd try to get a few headlines on paper.

Cheney Accepts Full Responsibility for Shooting
"I knew it was the right call, once I realized I wouldn't face any real consequences," Cheney says in fawning, ridiculous interview with Fox suck-up Brit Hume.

"Besides," says Cheney, "he had a gun, and he could have turned on me anytime. Waiting for him to shoot me would have been foolish."

TomKat Deny Rumors of Breakup
"We are not breaking up," says Tom. "A deal is a deal."
"Also? I am very, very gay," he adds. "Which means happy."

Britney Drives with Child on Lap
"I'm just totally shocked by this, yo," says Britney's husband/dancer/babydaddy Kevin Federline. "Because normally my girl exercises such good judgment, y'know?"

Iran maybe Trying to Develop Nuclear Weapons, say Experts
"How do you know?"
"Well, because their President said, 'We are trying to develop Nuclear Weapons,'" says expert.
"You might have missed it because it was in a tiny article on page A26 of the New York Times next to a hair restoration ad."

President Upbeat about State of Nation; Public Wonders Which Nation He's Talking About

WASHINGTON- The President set a tone of unity and optimism in his State of the Union message last Tuesday, saying he was "optimistic about our country." After the speech, many who saw the speech were asking, "what country was the President talking about? "



"We have a clear plan for victory."

"Oh, the ideas were nice, I guess," said wedding planner Margo Fitzmorris. "But seriously. We need permanent tax relief? This country needs permanent tax relief? China practically owns us already."

"That was like, the worst State of the Union speech ever," said UC Berkeley senior Darren Winston-Suarez. "So the President thinks we are a nation addicted to oil, huh? You're just now realizing this? Wake up and smell the light sweet crude, dude! You and your cronies made your fortunes based on that!"

"If we're oil addicts, then President Bush is like Pablo Escobar, the kingpin. Cheney is the Tony Montano. He's the Scarface of oil. I hope you see where I'm headed, because I've run out of analogies."

"He said we have a clear plan for victory," said truck driver Hugh Ralston. "Did he just read one of LBJ's old speeches?"

Not all of the opinions were so negative, however.

"I thought his speech was relatively good," said Ronald Hookstratten, Professor of Economics at Cal State Dominguez Hills. "But then again, it could be that because he's been so bad before, that now I view him with the soft bigotry of low expectations."