Tour De France Winner Landis Fails Drug Test

LONDON -- Tour De France officials disclosed today that Floyd Landis, the American who last Sunday claimed the title in cycling's biggest event, has failed a drug test.

Marcel Grenouille, spokesman for the International Cycling Federation, said that the sample Landis provided after Stage 17 showed elevated levels of testosterone.

"The levels were really high," said Grenouille. "We've only ever seen levels this high before among survivors of Chernobyl and National League outfielders."

A spokesman for Phonak, Landis's team, declined to comment. However, a member of the Phonak team, speaking on the condition of anonymity, said that Landis has talked to teammates about the positive test.

According to the source, Landis believes that his testosterone levels may have been elevated by prolonged exposure to "Walker: Texas Ranger."

"Floyd's a huge Chuck Norris fan, so he relaxes between races by watching his 'Walker: Texas Ranger' DVDs. He's always watching them," said the source.

"Maybe watching Chuck Norris kick so much ass caused his testosterone levels to spike."

A member of a rival team offered a different theory, however.

"During the race, Floyd was very secretive about his hydration strategy, and didn't let anyone else touch his water bottles," said the rival.

"It is my belief that Floyd Landis's water bottles contained a mixture of Gatorade and the concentrated perspiration of Lance Armstrong."

Phonak team officials declined to comment.

U.S. Soccer Eyes World Cup 2010

ZURICH -- After the highly touted, yet disappointing, performance of its men's soccer team at World Cup 2006, the United States is already leveraging for a stronger showing in South Africa in 2010.

In what it is calling "an effort to make this fledgling sport more appealing to players and fans", the United States Soccer Federation this week brought numerous proposed rule changes to officials at FIFA (Federation Internationale Farmers of America).

"If the United States doesn't embrace soccer, how can you truly say it's the world's sport?" claimed US Soccer president Sunil Gulati. "Last time I checked, the good ol' USA was part of the world. Hell, we pretty much saved everyone's ass in WWII."

Critics around the globe argue that US Soccer is not wanting to endear the sport to its country, as much as create an unfair advantage for the US team.

"Typical bourgeois Americans. I spit on their rule changes," spat French soccer federation president Jean-Pierre Escalettes in a funny over-the-top accent. "They expect the world to change for them, instead of changing with the world."

Although it usually takes years for rule changes to be implemented at an international level, Gulati hopes that at least some of the US suggestions will be in force by 2010.

"This whole soccer thing is kind of a new global phenomenon," explained Gulati. "I think its got potential to catch on around the world, but we need to spice it up. Seriously, only a couple of our players had even heard of the sport six months ago."

US Soccer's proposed World Cup changes:

• US team to be sponsored by BALCO.
• All 32 teams live in house together. Viewers vote via cell phone on which teams advance.
• Prior to every corner kick, all players must pound a shot of Jagermeister.
• Teams awarded "population bonus" of one penalty kick per capita.
• Players may pick up and run with redesigned ellipsoid ball. Modified scoring includes "touchdowns" and "extra points".
• Each player allowed to inflict one free head butt to chest of any other player (opposing or same team).
• Overtime shoot-outs involve actual guns.
• At least half of each men's team must be made up of players from that country's women's team.