North Korean Disappointed to Learn MP3 player Cannot Download Food

SEOUL, South Korea - North Korea is encouraging its citizens to go online and even boasting about the popularity of MP3 players.

Kim Hyun Lee, 20, was excited about her new MP3 player until she found out that she would not be able to use it to download food.

"I like music and of course the patriotic speeches of our Dear Leader," Kim said. "But I had been hoping to download a bowl of soup."

Access to online content from outside the country is strictly controlled, but Kim seems unbothered by the restrictions.

"I can download whatever I want!" said Kim, who works as a clerk in the Ministry of Perceived Slights.

"So far I have downloaded "I Would Gladly Die for our Exalted Dear Leader," "the Righteous Path of the Great Leader Kim Il Sung," and "Stephen Colbert's Speech at the White House Press Correspondents' Dinner."

She added that she is looking forward to spending the equivalent of two months' pay to download an episode of "The Office."

"I just love their wry, irreverent take on office relationships," said Kim. "I especially love Dwight."

Bush to Deploy Cheney to Patrol Mexican Border

WASHINGTON DC- After his nationally televised immigration proposal met with widespread skepticism, President Bush has decided to change course. Rather than use the National Guard to patrol the US-Mexico border as he proposed on Monday, the President now plans to deploy Vice President Cheney to the guard the southern border.

According to sources, the new plan was revealed to senior Republican lawmakers last night.

"Apparently, it will just be the Vice President and his Secret Service detail, driving around in a Hummer with a bunch of shotguns and a cooler," said a source familiar with the plan.


Cheney: Armed

"This is a bold initiative by the President, and it addresses multiple issues," said conservative pundit Lamont Bunch.

"It acknowledges that the National Guard can't do the job, it offers a cost effective alternative," said Bunch.

Backers also say the plan will provide a highly credible deterrent to illegal immigrants.

"Mexicans planning to cross the border will probably think twice knowing that the Vice President is out there, locked and loaded," said Bunch.

"I love this plan, like I love all things President Bush does. I love this administration more than I love my own family."