Highlights from Suri Cruise's First Year

Suri Cruise, a joint production of Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes, was born on April 18. How will she be spending the first year of her life?

April 21: Issue press release announcing own birth

May 1: Go on tour to promote Mission: Impossible III

June 5: Congratulate Brad and Angelina on their new baby; continue to refuse to acknowledge the existence of Brooke Shields or her offspring

October 22: Speak first words: "Daddy's not gay" and "please, no pictures"

November 3: Issue press release announcing that baby brother, Hubbard, is due in June

February 15: Get baby teeth capped

April 18: Spend birthday in Paris in VIP suite at Hotel Crillon; smear face with $1,200 white chocolate ganache cake

What Does a Nukes-Crazed Madman Have To Do To Get Some Attention? by Kim Jong Il

What do I have to do to get some attention? Huh, President Bush?

I have made all sorts of dire threats against the United States and my neighbors in the region. I possess nuclear weapons. Do you hear me? NUCLEAR WEAPONS! Not, "nuclear development-related programs." That's for amateurs. I've got the real deal, baby.

But does anyone pay the slightest bit of attention to me? NO! No. Bush is all "Iran poses the greatest threat blah blah blah." "Iran could have nuclear weapons within two years blah blah blah."

What, are you kidding me? I've got nukes today. Hell, I could put a nuke on Emperor Akihito's breakfast table tomorrow. You want me to blow something up? Is that what you're waiting for?

I'm part of the Axis of Evil, right? Cool. I think, "maybe Bush is starting to notice me." But then the next thing I know, you've got a mad crush on this Ahmadinejad guy. Why? What about me? What does he have that I don't have? So Ahmad-whatever is a "threat?" You say he's "not to be trusted?" That he's a "loose-cannon?" Hel-lo! Remember me? I'm a "loose cannon." I invented "loose cannon." Please, this guy's a poser.

I'm like Duckie in Pretty in Pink. What's it gonna take to get you to notice me?

Don't you get it? Ahmadinejad is all talk. He's boasting, making all these spectacular claims. I mean, a world leader in the 21st century who says the holocaust was a hoax? That's pretty out there. That's so crazy, even I think it's crazy.

President Bush. George. Haven't we already been down this road before? Does the name Saddam Hussein ring any bells?

I know you, George! I believe in you. I believe in my heart that, eventually, you will see through this guy's act.

You keep looking all over the place for a "nuclear menace" and "a threat to world peace." And in the end, you will see that the real menace, the real threat, has been right in front of you all along.

I'll be waiting for you.

Bush Weighs Justification Options for Iran Strike

WASHINGTON - President Bush refuted numerous reports Monday that the White House would claim a developing nuclear weapons program as the impetus behind an imminent military strike against Iran.

"There are any number of reasons to attack Tehran," Bush stated. "We are monitoring our choices closely. Our first option, as always, is to cite the breakdown of diplomatic channels."

Although Bush and other administration officials have said that possible accusations of a nuclear program are still on the table, White House press secretary Scott McClellan refused to comment on what rationale the White House may propose.

"I'm not going to engage in all this wild speculation of what justification we may or may not use," McClellan told reporters.

"Those who assume we will play the WMD card again are not knowledgeable of this administration's thinking. A nuclear program, stability in the region, protection of Israel -- no option is off the table."

McClellan repeatedly stressed that the Bush Administration's focus is on working with other nations to come up with a flimsy diplomatic solution that can be flagrantly ignored. Bush counselor Dan Bartlett made a similar statement to The Associated Press on Sunday.

"There is no doubt that US reaction will be swift and strong," Bartlett admitted. "Therefore, it is critical we choose an excuse that can be easily swallowed by the international community."

Johnny Knoxville's success inspires other young actors named after cities in Tennessee

LOS ANGELES-- When MTV's "Jackass" became a cult favorite and then a mainstream hit, one could be forgiven for wondering if Johnny Knoxville was just a flash in the pan, experiencing his 15 minutes of fame.

Not so fast. With the runaway success of last summer's blockbuster "The Dukes of Hazzard," and the "The Ringer," Johnny Knoxville has cemented his status in Hollywood as a bankable leading man, alongside Brad Pitt, Vince Vaughn, and, unfortunately, Keanu Reeves.

But Knoxville has also inspired young actors, such as Johnson City, Jeremy Murfreesboro, and Darnell Chattanooga.

"Johnny's success has definitely inspired me," said City. Mr. City used to go by "John," but recently started using his full name, Johnson, again.

"I think people relate to him because he's clearly not real bright, only so-so looking. My agent and I are putting together a new promo package to play up the name thing. I got new headshots. I'm excited about it."

Although he's well established as a principal with the Royal Shakespeare Company in London, Jeremy Murfreesboro also celebrates Mr. Knoxville's success.

"Until the Hazzard movie came out, I wasn't really that familiar with him. But we share a bond I guess, sure. I don't know that it will help me get the lead in Hamlet. But you have to admire him, don't you?"

Darnell "D-Smoove" Chattanooga is a club DJ in New York trying to break through as a rap artist. He thinks Mr. Knoxville's notoriety can only help him.

"The way I see it is, people will hear his name and think, 'Knoxville...hey, that's pretty close to Chattanooga!' And then when they see my CD, they'll buy it."

But Darnell is not stopping there. He figures it will help his crossover appeal.

"Eventually, you know, that's the way you want to go, into movies just like [Ice] Cube, Snoop [Doggy Dogg], or Andre 3000. That's all part of my plan to build my brand."

Afghani May Be Executed for Switching to Sprint

KABUL - Afghan clerics are calling for the death of a local businessman for changing his long distance carrier, and demanding that the government resist international pressure for a stay of execution.

Ibrahim Hassan has been charged with ending his IT consulting firm's covenant with Afghan Telecom and converting to Sprint over a decade ago. His trial has brought out contradictions in Afghanistan's constitution, which promises both the supremacy of Islam and the freedom to choose a calling plan that best suits one's business needs.

"Afghan Telecom does not have any obligation under international laws," AT Customer Service Representative Rahmat al-Habib told worshippers in Kabul. "His contract clearly states that, if he changes providers, he must be killed. He should have paid attention to the fine print."

At a preliminary hearing last week, Hassan acknowledged that he had converted to Sprint during a telemarketing call in 1995.

"My administrative assistant usually screens sales calls," he confessed. "[I] have to admit, though, their Ten-Afghanis-a-Minute Plan made perfect sense for my business at the time."

President Bush, European leaders and telecommunications CEO's around the world have requested Afghan President Hamid Karzai intervene in the case.

Calls to Karzai for comment were unable to be completed as dialed.