Entertainment News: Angelina Jolie Granted Cambodian Citizenship

Angelina Jolie has been made an honorary citizen of Cambodia. Jolie, who adopted her son Maddox from the country in 2002, was granted citizenship in recognition of her contribution to helping the nation's environment. She owns a home in the Samlot district of Battambang province. (The nice part.)

This is Jolie's second honorary citizenship. In 2001, in recognition of her kissing her brother at the Oscars and wearing Billy Bob Thornton's blood around her neck, she was made an honorary citizen of Creepyopia.

White House Turkey Admits Role in Plame Leak Case; Pardon is Possible

WASHINGTON DC- In a stunning revelation, "Gobbler," the White House Thanksgiving turkey, today acknowledged being the "senior administration official" who originally leaked the name of CIA operative Valerie Plame to journalists over 2 years ago.

Sources close to the case say that Gobbler has entered into a plea agreement with Special Prosecutor Patrick Fitzgerald.

"Gobbler has cooperated fully with the Special Prosecutor from the outset," said his attorney, Robert Bennett. "He is as eager as anyone to get the facts of this matter out in the open."

Despite months of speculation about Gobbler's possible role in the scandal, President Bush has remained defiantly supportive of his turkey, who had previously served in the same position when Bush was governor of Texas.

"Some critics of my administration would like to see Gobbler tried in the media," said Bush. "But the other side is just playing politics. We can't kill him, cook him and eat him with gravy until we find out what the facts are. Gobbler's been a good friend and he's done a heckuva job. He deserves better treatment from the Democrats in Congress and from the media."

Just two days ago, when asked about Gobbler, White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan McClellan became visibly annoyed, and flatly refused to acknowledge Gobbler's possible role in the scandal.

"What crime has Gobbler committed? What proof is there?" said McClellan. "Until wrongdoing has been proven, there's nothing to discuss. We have to let the facts come out first, before we jump to conclusions."

"Let me remind you, simply being moist and tasty is not a crime," McClellan added.


Gobbler (front) attends a Rose Garden ceremony in an undated White House photo.

With the revelation of Gobbler's role in the Plame leak, speculation among Washington insiders has turned to whether or not President Bush will pardon the White House turkey, and in so doing, try to distance the Administration from the scandal.

The President, who is currently visiting Asia, did not respond directly to a reporter's question about today's revelation. "It's important to remember that we're fighting a war against terrorists, which some people seem to forget. A government official may have leaked the identity of a US spy for political gain, and ended up endangering our national security. But this partisan quarreling only gives aid and comfort to our enemies. And we have more enemies since I've been President than we ever had before."

Republican Candidates to Bush: Please Don't Endorse Us

President Bush (l), who flew to Virginia to personally torpedo the election prospects of gubernatorial candidate Jerry Kilgore (r).

WHITE HOUSE-- After stinging defeats in elections this past week, Republicans are re-grouping with a new strategy: at all costs, avoid President Bush.

In elections Tuesday, Republicans were handed defeats around the country. Republican candidates were defeated in races for Governor in New Jersey and Virginia; Republican-backed ballot measures in California were voted down as well.

"Well, one thing you can see here," said strategist Jared Hasty, "is that basically anything that Bush touched turned into a turd pile. He's the political equivalent of Typhoid Mary."

This has not gone unnoticed by Republicans who are running for reelection in 2006. President Bush offered to campaign in support of Representative Ted Johnson (R-Nevada).

"It was awkward, but I had to say no thanks," said Johnson. "I just know he'd say something like, 'I know Ted Johnson, and ole Ted, he's a good man. You should send him to Washington.' Well, ole' Ted might as well pack it in right there, because that's the kiss of death."

Hasty is already formulating strategies for candidates to distance themselves from President Bush and the Administration.

"I will be telling my candidates that if their Caller ID says 'White House,' let it go to voicemail. If you talk to the President later, you can tell him you must have been in the washroom or something."

"And if-- heaven forbid-- the President decides to visit your state, I recommend being out of town then," said Hasty. "Maybe you can suddenly 'remember' you are part of a trade delegation or something."

"Most of these guys managed to avoid the draft. I think they can avoid President Bush."

Big Bird: "I'm Bird Flu-Positive"

NEW YORK - Big Bird, star of the long-running TV show "Sesame Street," disclosed today that he has tested positive for the Avian Influenza Virus, or "Bird Flu."

Big Bird's publicist, Cindy Shoup, acknowledged to reporters that he had tested positive. Amidst rumors in the tabloids, Bird had recently been barred from traveling to London for a film festival.

Shoup also read a statement from Bird. "I have been in the public eye for more than 30 years now," the statement began. "[A]nd over the years I have had some lapses in judgment, and possibly engaged in what might be termed 'high-risk' behaviors. But I have always, always taken very seriously my position as a role model."


Bird: "I'm positive."

The statement continued, "I hope you can still see me as a role model. I hope you can still see me as your friend, who taught you about things like telling the truth, cooperation, and patience."

"This is obviously a tough time for all of Big Bird's fans and friends," said Shoup. "But Biggie is a fighter, and he will beat this thing. He's hopeful that he can help raise awareness of Avian flu virus, and help to find a cure."

Bush Approval Ratings At New Low

WASHINGTON - President Bush's approval ratings have dipped to record lows, according to a number of new polls.

According to a recent Washington Post - ABC poll, a majority of American's now question the President's personal integrity.

58% of those surveyed had doubts about President Bush's honesty. 34% believe he cheats at solitaire. 70% suspect his driver's license says he's taller than he really is. 46% believe he has told Laura Bush she didn't look fat in a pair of pants, when he really thought that she did.

While the Washington Post - ABC poll has gotten the most publicity, a number of other polls have show similar results:

One poll recently ranked the popularity of various political figures. In the poll, President Bush was ranked sixth, just behind Kim Jong Il and ahead of "the guy who runs that country that had all the genocide."

In another poll, respondents were asked whom they would vote for if the election were held today. In that poll, Bush finished a distant fourth, behind Al Gore, Kelly Ripa, and an iPod Nano.

The poll had a margin of error of +/- 4%, but you don't really know what that means.


President Bush: 58% believe pants may be on fire.

Thieves Make Off with $75,000 in Bull Semen

WOLFSVILLE, Md. - Rural Maryland cattle rancher Eric Fleming is offering a reward in hopes of finding who took his entire supply of bull semen, valued at $75,000.

The value was determined by a reputable bull semen appraiser.

"And that doesn't include the sentimental value," added Fleming.

"We've opened an investigation, and we are hopeful that we will be able to catch this guy," said Rodney Milliken of the Frederick County Sheriff Department.

Police are on the lookout for a man acting suspiciously and carrying a vat of bull semen. The public has been advised that if they are approached by anyone offering to sell them large quantities of bull semen that they should contact the police.

The theft may be a "copy-cat" crime, as it appears to be similar to the plot of a recent episode of "Law & Order: Bull Semen Theft Unit."

"Everyone is hoping this case has a happy ending," said Milliken. "Especially the bulls."

Bush Plan to Fight Bird Flu Pandemic

WHITE HOUSE - The Bush Administration yesterday unveiled a $7.1 billion plan to combat a potential bird flu pandemic.

What are the key elements of the President's plan?

- Create massive stockpiles of Theraflu and soup.

- Award lucrative no-bid contract for vaccine to Halliburton.

- Commence drilling for flu vaccine in the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge.

- Detain and interrogate all birds at a secure location.



President Bush: "Birds are coming here with that virus because they hate our freedom."

Nike Releases New Kobe Bryant Shoe Line

Nike is once again using Kobe Bryant to market a new line of basketball shoes.

The first shoe in the new line will be called the Nike "I Told You, it was Consensual" 800^tm. Look for it in stores in time for Christmas.

In a related story, Nike has quietly pulled the Damon Stoudamire "Air Hemp" smokable low-top basketball shoe from the market at the request of the FDA.