Sports: Barry Bonds out

In sports news, Barry Bonds is out for the remainder of spring training, suffering from severely strained credibility.


Bonds before...Bonds after.

Q: "Before" and "after" what? A: Um, nothing- just naturally gaining 60 pounds of muscle and four hat sizes.

Pornstar Releases Great Wine

Pornstar Savannah Samson has recently launched her own wine, to much critical acclaim. The red blend is called "Sogno Uno," which is Italian for "hot girl on girl action."

Robert Parker, one of the most influential wine critics in the world, gave it a score of 90 to 91 out of 100. A score of 90 to 95 denotes "an outstanding wine of exceptional complexity and character.

It might also denote a wine critic who likes to get his freak on.


Nice, um, wine.

Samson, star of "The New Devil in Miss Jones" and "Where the Boys Aren't 17" says the wine "really represents who I am."

This may explain why another wine critic said the wine tasted like "Ron Jeremy and shame."

Sales have been somewhat lackluster, leading restaurants to add a disclaimer to the menu: “Wine titles will not appear on bill.”

So far it has been a hit with at least one group, men traveling on business.

"They seem to really like the first few sips," said one retailer, "but then they kind of lose interest and hardly ever finish the whole bottle."

Flashback: "Führer Decries Lack of Positive Media Stories from Eastern Front"

From The Alpenkräuterdelikatessenfrühstückskäse Zeitung, January 8, 1943

Berchtesgaden, Bavaria-- After spending the morning cutting brush at his mountain redoubt here in the Bavarian Alps, the Reichsführer engaged in a free-wheeling discussion with members of the press, during which he complained of a lack of positive media coverage of the fighting on the Eastern front.

"I see the news headlines, and it seems to me that the focus is always on the negative," said the Führer.

"People wonder why I remain so optimistic. They say to me, 'hey. Führer. What do you see that we don't?' Well, there have been some really encouraging developments around Stalingrad. Our units there are making steady inroads in overcoming the insurgents and winning the support of the local population. But the liberal media only seems interested in reporting the negative stories. It's always 'sniper fire' this, and 'mass starvation' that," the Führer continued.

"What the public knows, and I know, but that the media fail to grasp, is that this is a historic and important struggle. Only with time and perspective can we really measure the significance. All this talk of retreat and surrender only serves to embolden our enemies."

I'll Have a Soy No Foam Latte... and a McGriddle

McDonald's has recently introduced gourmet coffee in an effort to capture some of the lucrative upscale coffee market dominated by Starbucks.

"Obviously we have watched the growth of this market for many years," said McDonald's spokesperson Lucas Adler. "We understand that our customers may want to have a Latte or Mocha with their McGriddle or their Egg McMuffin, so we're giving them that choice."



"It will be interesting to see how this plays out," according to Stephanie Alquist, who follows the fast food industry for Morgan Stanley.

"It's certainly possible that this could give them some much-needed growth. Of course, we don't see them as competing with Starbucks as much as with 7-11 and Dunkin' Donuts, in what we call the 'crappy gourmet coffee' segment."

Other measures that McDonald's is taking to compete with Starbucks:

- Increasing the limit on piercings-per-employee.
- Introducing McDonald's label compact disks, beginning with "Toby Keith sings the Cole Porter Songbook"
- Instead of Super-Sizing, customers wil be asked, "would you like to 'Venti-Size' that?"
- Raising prices.

McDonald's new coffee will have rich gourmet taste, but with the same crotch-burning properties as their original coffee.

St. Patrick's Day In Greek Islands Totally Sucks

MYTILINI, LESVOS - St. Patrick's Day 2006 in this town of 40,000 isn't the celebration he thought it would be. So claimed Caleb Felder, 23, the Boston College undergrad who flew to Europe this year to "go Irish-style cra-zazy" on Lesvos, the beautiful and historic Greek island in the Aegean Sea.

"I thought St. Patrick's was a world-wide party, you know? They just don't get it here," declared Felder, staring out the window of the quiet Erato Bar at 2:30 in the afternoon.

The undeclared junior used money he had saved from his job at the campus bookstore to pay for the week-long trip. "When I saw Spring Break lined up perfectly with a Friday St. Patty's week, I was like, 'I'm totally going to Greece,'" Felder stated.

All rooms on the popular island of Mykonos were booked, however, so he expanded his search. "I ran across this place and it was cheaper than Mykonos, and I was like, 'score!' A Greek island is a Greek island, isn't it?"

Felder, sporting a pre-distressed Boston Celtics cap and a "Blow Me, I'm Irish" t-shirt from Hot Topic, couldn't hide his disappointment watching the Mytilini locals going about their normal business.

Angus McRowdy's 2005 St. Patrick's Day party not sucking

"I bet things are rockin' at Rowdy's, right now," he sighed, nursing a shot of ouzo and an imported Bud Light at the otherwise empty bar. Felder was referring to Angus McRowdy's Pub, the Boston sports bar where he spent his last two St. Patrick's eves.

"Someone's probably already in the shitter puking," he laughed, not realizing it was only 7:30 a.m. on the East Coast of the United States.

"I'm mean, sure, it's beautiful here, and there's some culture and history and all that, but no green beer?!? No half-price body shots off the Jameson Girls?!? The Greeks just don't understand tradition."

Felder did not comment on whether he was still considering his plans to "party it up big-time" next 4th of July in Barcelona, Spain.

Sony Delays Release of Playstation 3 - "We'll get to it, like, soon"

SAN JOSE, California-- Sony announced today that it was delaying the release of its new PlayStation 3 game console until the fall.

"We're really sorry about that," said Sony spokesman Bill Tanaka. "We totally had planned to get it done this spring, but the time kind of got away from us."

Industry analysts were not surprised by the announcement.

"There were some signs," that the release would be delayed, said Stephanie Alquist, who follows the gaming industry for Morgan Stanley. "I'd call up and ask how it was coming along, and they'd say, 'oh, it's going totally well, nothing to worry about.' That was a red flag."

"Then I called again about a month ago, and they were really defensive about it. They said 'why are you always on our case? We'll get it done, just leave us alone!' Classic signs of a problem."

Although Sony has not cited any specific reasons for the hold-up, rumors have been circulating that the problem may be a design flaw with one of the new features.

"If the rumors are correct," say Alquist, "then they've had to spend a lot of time de-bugging the plug-and-play hookah."

God Is Dead Tired

NEW YORK - In a rare television interview, God Almighty came out of hiding to reveal that He is not dead but admitted that He is, in fact, "like totally exhausted".

"In these times of natural disaster, disease and war, I hear people around the globe increasingly questioning My existence," God explained.

"Despite what Friedrich Nietzsche might have claimed, rumors of My death are greatly exaggerated," the Heavenly Father chuckled, quoting Mark Twain on NBC's Today.

"I have recently been diagnosed with Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, however, and have found it very difficult to keep up My usual pace," He confessed to a teary-eyed Katie Couric.

"God is a classic CFS case," explained Today medical expert Dr. Janet Rubens. "He's a typical Type-A personality, working day-in and day-out. He's been running the universe for eons and only took that one day off way back in the first week. Under that kind of stress, even the most omnipotent of us are going to start slipping up."

"Running a universe is hard work," God admitted. "Sure, Mrs. God convinces My Son to help out every once in a while, but I'm pretty much on My own."

When pressed why He didn't choose to share His affliction with the world sooner, the Creator countered, "I sent you signs -- visions of the Virgin Mary power napping, the yawning bush. Those weren't just the illusions of some street corner crackpot."

Although He does not plan on retiring anytime soon, God did say He hopes to maybe get away for a weekend in the next century or two.

"It might be nice to go to Vegas or something," He sighed. "I imagine I could do pretty well at the craps table."

God ended the interview with a blessing of peace to all His creatures, followed by a tongue-in-cheek teaming with Al Roker to give the weather report for March 16, 2015.

Milosevic Opts For Preemptive Death Penalty Defense

THE HAGUE - In what many law experts are calling a masterstroke, former Yugoslav leader Slobodan Milosevic shocked a UN tribunal by changing his plea from "not guilty" to "not breathing" over the weekend.

Milosevic, 64, who was being held in the Netherlands for war crimes, was found entering his plea in bed early Saturday morning. The move was a severe departure from the "paprika defense" Milosevic had been preparing up to that point.

"The decision caught us all a bit off-guard," claimed defense spokesperson Lawrence Creighton in an official statement. "Not since Hitler have we seen such a gutsy legal challenge."

Creighton was referring to Adolph Hitler's 1945 plea that he had shot himself in the head with too many bullets to be fit for trial.

Speculation into the cause of Milosevic's plea has already begun. Steven Kay, a British lawyer assisting in the defense, said he severely doubted Milosevic had chosen a suicide tactic. "Only a blood-thirsty, power-crazed madman would do such a thing," he explained.

"Sure, he had a history of suicide in his family -- both his parents -- but as far as he was concerned, his attitude to me was quite the opposite," Kay clarified, failing to also mention the family's apparent history of genocide.

Carla Del Ponte, the tribunal's chief prosecutor, said Milosevic's plea was "regrettable for all the witnesses, for all the survivors, for all the victims that are expecting justice but, on the upside, will save us all a hell of a lot of time and money."

Milosevic, who earned the nickname "The Butcher of the Balkans" from his job cutting meat prior to pursuing a career as a ruthless despot, became synonymous with a decade of ethnic hatred and bloodshed in the former Yugoslavia.

Plans are underway to return his body to Belgrade for the traditional hanging from a lamp post.

National Debt Clock in Times Square Catches Fire - "It Couldn't Keep Up"

NEW YORK- The National Debt Clock, a billboard near Times Square that keeps a running total of the US National Debt, had to be turned off on Monday after catching on fire.

"We got a couple of reports around 11:30 saying there was smoke coming out of it," said FDNY spokesman Eric Cassel.

"We sent a crew in to investigate. They found some material that was smoldering, and at imminent risk of a full-scale combustion. They immediately ordered it to be shut down."

The Debt Clock's owner, New York real estate investor Keller Woodbine, said he was happy to comply with the order.

"I put it up there to scare people. But I certainly don't want people to be afraid of it because it's a fire hazard," said Woodbine.



"When I first put it up in 1989, it was because our national debt was $2.8 trillion, and growing by over $10,000 per second. Even then, it taxed the capabilities of the computer and the electrical system," said Woodbine.

"Now, with the debt up over $8 trillion and going up more than $30,000 a second, the system just got overwhelmed. It tried, but it couldn't keep up."

FDNY Spokesman Cassel would not say whether or not the Debt Clock would be turned back on, or under what conditions.

"We didn't consider the Debt Clock a hazard previously, but given what's happened, I think we'll have to review it pretty carefully," said Cassel. "Obviously, it was under-engineered for the job, so substantial upgrades in the wiring, cooling and insulation would be required, at a minimum."

Not all were disappointed to see the clock shut down, however.

"I think it's high time and a good thing," said Wendell Pugh of the Center for American Initiatives, a conservative think tank. "Perhaps its time for the owners to change tactics. Rather than harping on bad news, they could use the clock to track good news. Such as the number of jobs being added to the economy."

Reacting to Mr. Pugh's suggestion, Mr. Woodbine replied, "that would work, since those numbers would add up much more slowly. I mean, really slowly."

"I will have to assess my options. I was going to have to shut it down pretty soon anyway, since it's nearly out of digits. I didn't plan for it to hit $10 trillion," added Woodbine.