Starbucks to Release NWA Tribute CD; Your Dad Will Buy It

SEATTLE-- Starbucks is planning to release its first rap CD, according to Starbucks spokesperson Sheila Garvey.

The album will be a tribute to the ground-breaking rap group NWA, which launched the careers of Dr. Dre and Ice Cube. Your dad is already planning to buy it.

"We are excited to be adding NWA to our music family, and bringing the whole rap genre into our stores," said Garvey.

"I don't know who NWA is, but it looks interesting," said your dad.

Tentatively titled "Unplugged, Bitches!" the album will feature renditions of some of their biggest hits by other recording artists.

Among the songs on the album:

"F**k Tha Police," Norah Jones with Elvis Costello

"To Kill a Hooker," Josh Groban

"Straight Outta Compton," Bonnie Raitt

"Gangsta Gangsta," Yo Yo Ma (W/London Philharmonic)

"We're really glad to be doing this deal with Starbucks," said Ice Cube. "We'll make a lot of money off this, and we like that."

"When I heard about this project, I knew right away that I wanted to get involved," said Yo Yo Ma. "I've always identified with the harsh tone and hardcore lyrics of NWA. This gives me a chance to give something back, to say thanks."

The CD will be in stores in time for the holidays, and should be in your dad's car cd player soon thereafter. It should be impossible to avoid by January.


Yo Yo Ma: "I Love NWA!"


NWA: "We love money!"


Your dad: "I love everything from Starbucks!"

NBA Institutes Dress Code: Dress Whiter

NEW YORK - The National Basketball Association has instituted a dress code for players. Players will be required to wear "business casual" attire when participating in team or league activities. Players may still wear basketball uniforms during games, however.

"Basically, we're running a business here, and the players are employees," said NBA spokesperson Art Wise. "We expect them to comply with [the dress code]."

"Guys around the league don't like this at all," said NBA insider and Michael Jordan suck-up Ahmad Rashad. "These guys make it to the league, they make their money, they've got custom-made suits, hats, gold jewelry and whatnot, and they want to show it off," added Rashad. "And that's just the white players."

"These guys do NOT want to go into downtown Detroit looking like they are going door to door handing out copies of 'The Watchtower.'"

So just how does the NBA define "business casual?"

"Basically, our goal was to make the NBA more fan-friendly," said Wise. "And by that I mean, more rich-white-male-fan-friendly."

"In order to do that, we need to make the players look like the kind of people who could be on their lunch break from Sprint or someplace. Maybe kind of like what I'm wearing, Dockers khakis with a nice golf shirt," said Wise.

But Wise was also quick to point out that there is some flexibility in the dress code to allow for individual creativity and expression.

"We continue to support players' individuality by allowing them to wear up to three league-approved buttons. They can select from things like the league logo, the slogan 'I love this game!,' maybe a team insignia."

"We also plan to have a Hawaiian shirt day right after the All-Star break, which should be off the hook," added Wise.


Old NBA dress code.


New NBA dress code.

Parents Blame Kids' Lack of Accountability on TV

According to a recent survey, a majority of parents blame their children's lack of accountability on the influence of television.

"Young people these days don't know what it means to be accountable, " said Myra Duffy, a mother of two. "I think the issue is clear: television is not providing good role models for our kids."

"My point is that our children are growing up without anyone teaching them how to take on responsibility," added Duffy. "Someone ought to be doing this."

Unit of Krispy Kreme Files for Bankruptcy; GM Next?

NEW YORK (Reuters) - Krispy Kreme Doughnuts Inc. said on Monday that a fully-owned franchisee in the Philadelphia region filed for Chapter 11 bankruptcy protection.

In doing so, they became the first company ever to go bankrupt betting on America's appetite for junk food.

In hindsight, their "buy 1, get 12 free" marketing strategy may have been a mistake, said spokesperson Wendy Kroger. "While the promotion was popular with customers, it didn't seem to translate to the bottom line."

Another indication of trouble came a few months ago, when the franchisee attempted to pay its employees in glaze.

"I had a problem with that," said employee Vincent Malatesta. "Glaze? Just Glaze? If it had been doughnuts and glaze, maybe. But just glaze? No deal."

The final straw may have been when employees walked off the job, and the stores launched a "make your own doughnuts!" promotion. Numerous lawsuits are pending as a result.

"We'd never thought it necessary to warn people not to drink the glaze, " said Kroger. "It's 175 degrees, so yeah, there were some burn wounds."

In other news, General Motors CEO Rick Wagoner said the company isn't considering bankruptcy protection as a way to solve its financial troubles.

"We are, however, looking at it as a way to escape from our troubles, because man, there are a lot of them," added Wagoner.

GM executives will not get a bonuses this year, so Wagoner will have to try to squeak by on his $2.5 million base salary. Now you'll now how the rest of us live, Rick!


Mmm... bankrupt...


GM's new "gas-magic" hybrid car (not yet in production).

Senators ask Harriet Miers to Redo Questionnaire

WASHINGTON - The Republican and Democratic leaders of the Senate Judiciary Committee have asked Supreme Court nominee Harriet Miers to resubmit parts of her judicial questionnaire, saying various members had found her responses "inadequate," "insufficient" and "insulting."

A letter from Arlen Specter (R-PA) and Patrick Leahy (D-VT) asked Miers to "please type your responses this time. The Committee found your habit of dotting your i's with smiley faces distracting."

The letter continued, noting that, "although it had been erased, it was still clearly legible that "HM + GWB true love 4ever" had been written on the cover. This could prompt the Committee to question your ability to rule from the bench with impartiality."

Former Senator Dan Coats of Indiana, who is shepherding Ms. Miers' nomination through the Committee, defended her responses.

"From the outset, Ms. Miers told Senator Specter that she had years' worth of files to review, and that some follow-up might be necessary," said Coats.

"She is still in the process of reviewing the many hundreds of obsequious, fawning thank-you notes she has sent to the President over the years."

The Committee found Miers' responses lacking in other ways as well. In response to the question of whether or not she viewed the case of Row v. Wade as a matter of settled precedent, she wrote, "Not sure. Let me see what it's about and get back to you."

It has also come to light that Miers' law license has been suspended twice due to non-payment of dues, once in Texas in 1989, and once in Washington while serving as White House Counsel.

The letter stated that the Committee found her explanation for the lapse, that "the checks must have gotten lost or something," to be inadequate.

Hearings for Miers are supposed to begin on November 7, although she has said she has to check her calendar and make sure she can make it that day.


President George W. Bush (right) with Supreme Court Nominee Harriet Miers.

Hurricane Wilma Causes Cancellation of MTV Latin Video Awards

MEXICO CITY - In what is easily the least tragic hurricane-related news story of the year, the approach of Hurricane Wilma has forced MTV to postpone the MTV Video Music Awards Latin America.

The Awards Show had been scheduled take place Thursday at the Playa del Carmen resort. The hurricane is forecast to pass close by Mexico's Caribbean coast on Friday.

MTV's Mexico spokeswoman Dulce Gordillo confirmed that the program had been postponed until a still-unspecified date.

"We are still looking for a date when George Lopez won't be available to host," said Gordillo.

The U.S. National Hurricane Center said Wednesday that the storm had developed into the most intense hurricane on record. It was already the most intense hurricane ever named for a Flintstones character, eclipsing 1982's infamous Hurricane Pebbles.


Hurricane Wilma.

Cartoon Wilma. Not pictured: Anything related to the MTV Latin Video Music Awards

China Sends Up Astronauts Again

China has just successfully concluded its second manned space flight. The spacecraft, the "Westerners Are Decadent and Lazy 4" was launched atop a "Die Capitalist, Die! 7" rocket.

The flight was deemed a success, with only minor setbacks. The first came when the Chinese spacecraft was attempting to dock at the International Space Station. After the Chinese astronauts failed in repeated attempts to dock, other spacecraft started honking at them, causing them to get flustered and resume orbiting.

The spacecraft carried a number of experiments on the effects of weightlessness on insects and rodents. However, most of the experiments were cut short when the astronauts ate them. A spokesman said future flights would still include experiments, but that they would be "less tasty."

Across China, ordinary people rejoiced that they are now able to complain about things by saying, "we can put men in space, but we can't make a decent (fill in the blank)."

Mary-Kate Olsen Leaving NYU

Mary-Kate Olsen is leaving NYU, according to sources close to the star of "Full House" and "New York Minute."

Sources say she is planning to pursue "personal interests," including taking ecstasy, going to raves, and not eating.

"M-K adheres to a strict diet of Venti Soy Lattes and Benson & Hedges Light Menthol 100s," said the source, "and the University community just hasn't been that accepting of her lifestyle."

Olsen has commented previously on the pressure society puts on young women related to body image. "Look, not every girl can or should weigh 110 pounds. Some of us want to weigh 90, 95 tops."

Ashley Olsen is said to be supportive of her twin sister's choice, but privately looking forward to finally having her own room.

"Ashley hasn't really been overshadowed by Mary-Kate," said the source, "but that's mainly because M-K hasn't had a shadow since 2002."

When contacted for comment, "Full House" father Bob Saget released a statement that was laced with profanity, graphic sexual imagery, and references to "Uncle Jesse."


Mary-Kate Olsen, in a publicity still from "New York Minute"


Saget: More than just a little bit creepy

American Millionaire Returns from Space; Won't Shut Up About It

US millionaire scientist Gregory Olsen, who returned two days ago from his stay aboard the international space station, hasn't shut up about it since. Olsen reportedly paid $20 million for his trip.

"Oh my God, he just can't stop," confirmed a colleague, Dr. Roberta Colley. "A group of us went to lunch at Chili's, and he said, 'you know, we didn't have Mexican food on the space station.' We get it, you were in space. You were there for like, a week. Now shut the fuck up and eat your fajitas."

Olsen dislikes being labeled as a space tourist. "I dedicated two years of my life to this," he said.

"Okay then, you're not a 'space tourist,'" said Olsen's lab assistant Randall McDavid. "But check this out. While he was up there, he lost his camera! Come on, dude! You couldn't be more of a tourist if you came back with a sunburn, wearing a 'Property of the International Space Station, Size XXL' sweatshirt."

Olsen, the third private citizen to be sent into space, is the most self-absorbed object ever to orbit the earth.


Olsen: Won't Shut Up

Booker Prize Awarded for Book You've Never Heard Of

LONDON, Oct. 10 -- John Banville's "The Sea," a lyrical novel about loss and remembrance, won the Man Booker Prize for Fiction at a dinner in London Monday.

The Booker Prize is Great Britain's highest literary honor. It is awarded annually to the most impenetrable new work of fiction in the English language.

Please join me in nodding approvingly, even though you've never heard of the book, and will never read it.

Banville's novel narrowly defeated J.K. Rowling's "Harry Potter and the Same Basic Plot."

Cheer up, J.K. At least you can console yourself with the fact that you are worth about a billion dollars.


Banville: Critical Acclaim


Rowling: All About the Benjamins, Baby

TomKat Expecting

HOLLYWOOD- Tom Cruise and his fiancee, Katie Holmes are expecting a baby. Cruise has two children with Nicole Kidman, Connor, 10, and Isabella, 12.

But this will be the first child for Holmes, or as the aliens call her, "the Host."

Some observers have said that news of the pregnancy was a bit of a surprise. It should be no surprise to Katie, assuming she read the whole contract.

Why couldn't they be more like normal Hollywood folk, and adopt a Cambodian orphan?


Katie Holmes (l), with Tom Cruise. Not pictured: Aliens.

Today's Headlines

Editor of Afghan Women's Magazine Arrested
The charge? Being the Editor of an Afghan Women's Magazine.

Two Americans and a German Win the Nobel Prize for Physics
They won the prize for something that you wouldn't understand, but if you were stoned, it would blow your mind.

Lindsey Lohan injured in Car Crash Caused by Paparazzi
The paparazzi were moving in to feast on their glamorous prey when a quick thinking sheriff's deputy blew his whistle and made loud noises, scaring the paparazzi away.

Seattle to Allow New Strip Clubs
For the first time in 17 years, Seattle will allow new Strip Clubs. Among the regulations governing the new clubs: patrons must stay four feet from the strippers, as well as brighter lighting. Also: all strippers' breast implants must be made from 100% post-consumer recycled plastic.

President Bush Mulls Possible Replacements for Greenspan
President Bush must find a replacement for outgoing Fed Chairman Alan Greenspan, whose term ends in January. On the President's short list: anyone he went to college with who has zero relevant experience.

Congressional Republicans Seek to Slash Food Aid to Poor by $1.5B
Next up? Canceling Christmas.

Bush Nominee Fails to Rile Democrats; Conservatives Outraged

WASHINGTON- A day after Senate Democratic Leader Harry Reid (D-Nev.) endorsed President Bush's nomination of Harriet Miers to succeed Sandra Day O'Connor, conservatives are expressing outrage.

"I like Harriet Miers," said Reid. In fact, Reid had actually included Miers on a short list of Republicans he might be comfortable with on the court.

"Well, I think it's fair to say that we are not happy with the President's selection," said Senator Sam Brownback (R.- Kan.). "We don't really know how Miers will rule from the bench, but I do know this: if Harry Reid isn't pissed, then I am."

"Where was the inspiration?" cried conservative commentator Kel Windblatt. "This is a historic chance to stick it to the Democrats, and we're blowing it."

"What about the former Alabama Supreme Court Judge Roy Moore? He'd put the 10 Commandments everywhere. Plus, he'd drive people like Hillary Clinton nuts."


Reid: Not Pissed


Brownback: Pissed

Bush Nominates Longtime Henchperson for Supreme Court

WASHINGTON (October 3)-- President Bush nominated Harriet Miers to replace Sandra Day O'Connor on the Supreme Court. The President made the announcement this morning in the Oval Office.

Miers, the White House General Counsel and long-time friend of the Bush family, previously practiced law in Texas and served as part of both the Bush campaign and administration. She has never served as a judge before.

"Harriet is a fine attorney who has been a loyal member of my team for-- what's it been now, 15, 20 years?"

"23 years in January, Mr. President."

"23 years. If I had a problem-- and I've had one or two, haven't I? I've always been able to call her up and say 'fix this,' and she'd fix it. And it would stay fixed, right?"

"Yes, Mr. President."

"Heck, I once called her a pit bull in size-6 shoes. Isn't that right, Hattie?"

"Yes, Mr. President. It was very funny."

"Well, it turned out her feet were actually size 8. But because she's so loyal, she's worn size 6 shoes ever since, even though it has caused her great pain and disfigurement."

"That's what the Supreme Court needs - more loyalty to the President," Bush added.

When it was pointed out that an independent judiciary was enshrined in the Constitution and was a linchpin of American democracy, the President chided reporters.

"There, you see? You guys never report the positive stuff, like the loyalty and the foot-binding!" he said.

"That's the problem with some members of the media- they only report the negative side of the story. 'Oh, she doesn't have experience.' Well, neither did I! And look how that's turned out."