Pentagon: Forecast of Troop Withdrawals Based on Spectacularly Bad Assumption

Gen. George Casey, speaking at a Pentagon news conference with Defense Secretary Donald H. Rumsfeld, said his prediction in July that "fairly substantial" troop withdrawals could begin next spring was based on the assumption that satisfactory progress on the political and security fronts would continue.

"Our forecast was based on extensive analysis," remarked General Casey. "That analysis was based on the assumption that things would go, you know, pretty well. That seems reasonable, doesn't it?" Casey added.

"We thought that after Labor Day, once the kids went back to school and the new TV season started up, things would quiet down. In hindsight, not a good assumption on our part."

"Keep in mind," Casey continued, "we were right about being greeted as liberators. We just didn't know the Iraqi people would be so pissed about being liberated."

After Casey spoke, Secretary of Defense Rumsfeld answered his own rhetorical questions. Would he do it again? Hard to say. Were his answers freewheeling and candid? Absolutely. Did the reporters regurgitate his points without a hint of irony or incredulity? You bet they did.

Roberts Sworn in as Chief Justice; New Employee Orientation Monday

WASHINGTON - John Roberts was sworn in as the 17th chief justice of the United States on Thursday, taking his oath at a White House ceremony attended by President Bush and other justices of the Supreme Court. He will undergo new employee orientation on Monday, said a spokesman for the Court.

"Mr. Chief Justice, welcome to the Supreme Court," said Justice John Paul Stevens after administering the Oath of Office. "Be sure to bring two government-issue photo ID's to work on Monday so you can fill out your I-9."



Among the items to be covered in orientation are: programming voicemail; forms for expense reimbursement and paid time off; and signing up for the health plan.

The spokesman had no information as to whether Roberts planned to sign up for the HMO or the PPO. "It will probably depend on whether or not his current doctor is an in-network provider, but that's pure speculation at this point," he said.

The New Chief Justice, who replaces the late William Rehnquist, will move into his office Monday morning. His phone extension and e-mail should be set up by mid-afternoon, allowing him to sync his Palm Pilot and send the draft e-mail he already wrote, entitled "New Contact Info."

Roberts' business cards will not arrive until the middle of next week. In the interim, he can use some of Justice Ginsburg's, and just cross out her name and write in his. Since Roberts is appointed for life, they will go ahead and order 1,000 cards, since it's more economical on a per card basis than ordering just 500.

Anna Nicole Smith Goes to the Supreme Court

WASHINGTON - The Supreme Court said it would hear arguments early next year as part of Anna Nicole Smith's effort to collect as much as $474 million from the estate of J. Howard Marshall II. The oil tycoon married her in 1994 when he was 89 and she was 26.

Commenting on her case, Smith said, "Howard and I had a beautiful relationship. I want that F**king money. I earned it, and you know it."

"Trimspa and crystal meth ain't free, you know," Smith added.

Justice Clarence Thomas was said to have shown a particular interest in Ms. Smith's case.

In a related note, Justice David Souter has shown a great deal of interest in a case involving erotic taxidermy.


Anna Nicole Smith, Supreme Court... in the same sentence.

Vice President Cheney Recovering from "Routine" Life-threatening Surgery

WASHINGTON DC- Vice President Dick Cheney underwent surgery to repair aneurysms on the backs of both of his knees. During the procedure, the Vice President had stents, which are flexible mesh tubes, inserted into each of his knee arteries.

Aneurysms are weak spots in the artery walls which if not repaired, can burst.

"It's a serious condition, and any time you perform this type of surgery it involves life and death implications," said vascular surgeon R. Michael Tenby. "On the other hand, for the Vice President, this has become fairly routine."

Cheney has an extensive history of heart trouble. He had his first heart attack at the tender age of 37, and has also undergone quadruple bypass surgery. Since taking office in 2000, Cheney has head approximately 68 heart attacks, or slightly more than one a month.

"Fortunately, I have access to the best healthcare money can buy, the kind that most people in this country will never see in a million years. That's something I think we can all feel good about."

Some experts raised concerns about the procedure, since the use of stents in leg aneurysms is fairly new. However Mr. Cheney pronounced full confidence in his doctors.

"Dr. Tenby and his staff do a terrific job," said Cheney. "They are the same team who performed my last 12 angioplasties, as well as the removal of my soul."


Vice President Cheney offers creepy, sinister wave from his limo.

Emergency Landing Nearly Delays Jetblue Flight

LOS ANGELES- A Jetblue flight made a dramatic emergency landing in Los Angeles yesterday with broken front landing gear.

In a surreal twist, many of the passengers watched their plane on the news as it circled the airport before landing. The passengers were mostly calm, said flight attendant Janis Hardy.

"Everyone was pretty relaxed, considering," said Hardy.

"The only time people got a little agitated was when we turned off the TV's before the landing. They were like, 'hey, I want to see how this ends!' and 'what's wrong with the TV's? Is everything okay?'"

Pilot Scott Burke balanced the plane on the rear landing gear as long as possible. When the plane settled on the broken nose wheel, it immediately began to smoke, and then sent out a long plume of sparks as the plane ground to a halt.

Jetblue passengers waiting in the terminal were clearly nervous.

"Will there be a snack on this flight?" asked one passenger.

"Do the TV's still work?" asked another.

After cleaning the cabin and changing crews, the plane was reloaded. The flight left 8 minutes late, but made up the time in route to Denver for another on-time arrival.

Iraq Institutes Terror Alert Color System: Red

Iraq's Ministry of Security announced today that it would follow the lead of the US, and adapt a color-coded terror alert warning system.

"For now, we are going with red. Basically it means 'hey, you live in Iraq. There's probably a terrorist attack taking place right now within two blocks of you.'"

"If things change, we may add another color or two, but for now, this is fine."

Zellweger Cites Fraud in Split:"I didn't know Kenny was a Redneck"

Renee Zellweger cited "fraud" in the recent annulment of her marriage to singer Kenny Chesney.

"I enjoyed the time I spent with Kenny. I was surprised and hurt to find out that he was...well, let's just say he's more than a little bit country," Zellweger said in a statement.

"I should have seen the warning signs: the tight jeans, the simplistic lyrics, the way he refused to take off his cowboy hat. I guess I just overlooked them. I'd never really listened to Kenny's music before, or looked at him, or listened to him. Make no mistake: I hold myself partially responsible for this."

"I guess I just allowed my hopes and my publicist to blind me to reality."

NASA Planning Moon Launch for 2018

CAPE CANAVERAL, Fla. - NASA announced plans today to send astronauts back to the moon by the year 2018.

The mission, which was described as "Apollo on steroids," will use a combination of elements of both the Shuttle and Apollo programs, "plus whatever else we can find laying around."

The mission is projected to cost $104 billion over the next decade, or over $250 billion in not-make-believe-NASA-budget money.

NASA's chief administrator Michael Griffin defended the cost of the program, however.

"In the grand scheme of things, $100 billion isn't really that much money," said Griffin.

"We've spent close to $100 billion on a missile defense system that doesn't work, and double that on a disastrous war in Iraq," he continued. "Even if we utterly fail, this program still looks pretty good."

Griffin was unable to offer any estimates of the costs of getting the astronauts back to earth.

Bush Rules Out Tax Hike to Fund Recovery

WASHINGTON - President Bush on Friday ruled out raising taxes to pay for Gulf Coast reconstruction, saying other government spending must be cut. "You bet it will cost money, but I'm confident we can handle it," he said.

"Heck, we've been fighting an incredibly expensive and unnecessary war, and cut taxes," the President continued. "Who ever would have thought we could do that? I don't even know why you guys are making such a big deal out of this."

In other news, the President described as "productive" his discussions with China about arranging a new debt consolidation loan with a low introductory rate and no closing costs.

Supreme Court Nominee Roberts Refuses to Answer Any Questions About Anything

WASHINGTON - During continued Senate testimony yesterday, Supreme Court nominee John G. Roberts, Jr. once again refused to answer any questions about anything.

Under testy questioning from Senator Arlen Specter (R-Pennsylvalnia), Roberts was cagey.

"Judge Roberts, I think the question that is on my mind, and on the minds of many on this panel is, will you be more circumspect in appraising the reasoning methods that underpin the laws made by Congress than was your predecessor, Chief Justice Rehnquist?"

When Judge Roberts declined to respond, Senator Spector continued to speak, eventually trailing off.

After an awkward silence, Senator Specter regrouped and tried a different tack.

"Judge Roberts, would you say you are a Constitutional textualist?"

"No, sir," replied Roberts.

"Well then, how about an originalist?"

"No."

"Would your friends say you are an originalist? Has anyone ever called you that?"

Roberts sipped his water.

"Okay, let me try again," continued Specter. "The other day a friend and I were out fishing, and we got to talking about the court's ruling in Tennessee vs. Morrison. He said he thought that the court's finding that Congress' method of reasoning weakened the statute was flawed. I said I wasn't sure. What do you think, Judge Roberts?"

"With all due respect, Senator, I decline to comment on the specifics or the generalities of that case or any other."

"Judge Roberts, if you were reincarnated as an animal, what animal would you be? Would that animal ascribe to a literal interpretation of the text of the Constitution, or would it aim to interpret the Framers' intent?"

"Senator," replied Judge Roberts, "I feel that anything I say or do at this time might be prejudicial to anything I might be called upon to say or do in the future."

Specter then called a 30 minute recess. The hearings continue today.


Judge Roberts: "..."

Aniston Granted Restraining Order Against Stalker

SANTA MONICA, Calif. - A homeless man accused of entering Jennifer Aniston's rented Malibu beach house was ordered Wednesday to stay away from her for three years.

And I promise I will. (Sorry about the rug, babe.)

New Orleans Recovery Update

New Orleans Mayor Ray Nagin is optimistic about a rapid return to normal in his city. The relief efforts are beginning to take hold, he said. Today he allowed people to return to the historic French Quarter.

He added that by this time next month, Bourbon Street should be full of drunk girls flashing their breasts and frat boys vomiting.

Finally some good news from the Big Easy.

Meteorologists Leave New Orleans; Likely to Hit North Carolina Next

CHARLOTTE, NC-- More than one week after Hurricane Katrina subsided, meteorologists are leaving New Orleans and moving on to North Carolina. It appears that most of the meteorologists will hit somewhere between Wilmington and New Bern, North Carolina over the next 24 hours.

"I did one last remote broadcast from New Orleans the day before yesterday," said Kent Grainger of station KTST in Reno, Nevada. "But with order being restored, and an absence of dangerous weather conditions, it just wasn't that dramatic."

"That last remote was hardly worth broadcasting," said KTST station manager Don Sweeney. "I kept asking Kent, 'can't you go somewhere windier?' His hair wasn't even blowing. It just wasn't compelling viewing, and the ratings reflected that."

Once it became clear that Hurricane Ophelia would make landfall somewhere in the Carolinas, the first crews began to move out, and others quickly followed.

"I saw 'em all, taking down their antennas and taking off their windbreakers," said local resident John Dwyer. "Pretty soon there was a long line of 'em headed north out of town."

Bush Rolls Up Monogrammed Sleeves

NEW ORLEANS - President Bush visited Louisiana again on Monday, and demonstrated his solidarity with both victims and relief personnel by rolling up the sleeves of his Brooks Brothers dress shirt.

"The President insisted on overruling his aides, because he feels so passionate about this issue now," said McClellan.

"The President's actions show how decisive and forceful he can be once it becomes clear what to do," McClellan added.

McClellan was not sure if the President was wearing his cufflinks or not.

Reaction to the President's gesture was somewhat muted however.

"Oh, I definitely feel that he's with us, and his not wearing a jacket or tie really shows that," said Ella Bouclef from her cot at the Houston Astrodome. "I feel more connected with him because I'm not wearing a jacket either. Of course, I'm not wearing a jacket because all of my belongings have been destroyed. So maybe it's a little different."

"Yeah, I guess that shows he supports us," said Lloyd Duval, formerly of New Orleans. "This really makes up for the two and a half days that me, my wife, my son, my dog and my mom spent on the roof of our house without food or drinking water."

"I'm not saying I don't appreciate the gesture, but it might have been nice if he had, say, sent aid about ten days ago." added Duval.

In other news, Vice President Cheney showed his solidarity with the victims Tuesday by stopping his heart for one minute.

Area Man Reads The Onion, Doesn't Realize He Is Area Man

Area man Mark Coffey is a regular reader of The Onion, but seems to be totally unaware that he typifies the "Area Man" that is the subject of many Onion articles.

"Oh, Mark's the Area Man, he totally is," said co-worker Derek Davis. "He'll come over to my desk and show me an Onion article like 'Area Man doesn't know when to leave me the fuck alone,' and he's like, 'isn't this awesome? That's so true.' And I'll just stare at him, like, 'you're kidding me, right?' How can he not see that he IS that dude?"

"He's completely oblivious," says co-worker Tony Aragon. "Last week I was like, 'Hey Mark, you remember the one called 'Area Man doesn't get irony?' And he's like, 'oh yeah, that was hilarious.' Classic."

After Indictments, DeLay Seeks to DeFlect Criticism

AUSTIN, Texas - A grand jury has indicted a political action committee formed by U.S. House Majority Leader Tom DeLay and a Texas business group in connection with 2002 legislative campaign contributions. Neither DeLay, nor any individuals, have been charged with any wrongdoing.

When asked for comment on the indictments, DeLay said, "I think it's premature for me to comment at this time, and on the advice on counsel-- Look! Is that another hurricane?"

Delay then locked himself in a coat closet.

Celebrities Co-opt Disaster to Further Own Careers

LOS ANGELES-- Stars from the world of music and film are rushing to co-opt the hurricane relief efforts to further their own careers.

Celebrities ranging from Tom Cruise to Lindsay Lohan have offered to help, as long as it means more exposure.

"I just want to do what I can to help," said Lohan. "As long as I'm on in prime time and Hilary Duff isn't on the show."

Celine Dion was among the first to respond to the opportunity for publicity.

"As I was telling my husband Rene this morning, I really feel for those little people down there," said Dion. "I want to help them in whatever way I can, as long as it helps my career."

"I care way more about the poor than that bitch Shania Twain does," Dion added.

The 3 major TV Networks will simultaneously broadcast 6 hours of entertainment interspersed with wealthy celebrities making preening, self-indulgent pleas for donations.

"It should be really strong, ratings wise," said Bobbi Fleckman of ABC. "For the 9/11 benefit we drew a 25 share, and we expect this to come close. I'm talking Monday Night Football-type numbers."


Dion: "It's all about me"

'Canes Detained

President Bush announced today that the University of Miami football team is being detained at Guantanamo Bay.

"These Hurricanes are being detained as a precautionary measure," said the President.

"And I have a message for the Iowa State Cyclones and the San Jose Earthquakes," he added. "We’d like to ask you some questions."

Brown Sacked

FEMA chief Michael Brown has been relieved of his duties related to Hurricane Katrina, and sent back to Washington.

Oh Brownie, you are going to GET IT now....

And by “it,” I mean the Presidential Medal of Freedom.

Schwarzenegger to Veto Gay Marriage Bill; State Braces for Onslaught of Bad Puns

California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger announced yesterday that he plans to veto a same-sex marriage bill. With news of the planned veto, people across the state braced themselves in anticipation of veto-related puns.

"It's like the Governor thinks he's still making Rambo," said Sacramento resident Donny Carlson. "He just can't help it. I can hear it now: 'this bill is terminated.' Dude, that movie was like, 20 years ago. Give it a freaking rest already."

Some citizens were more upbeat, such as April Medina of Fresno. "I like some of the puns. I mean yes, the 'you're terminated' one is terrible, but it's kind of a classic. Sometimes they're clever though."

Sources in Sacramento report that among the puns being considered by the governor are:

"Girlie-men can't get married in California. Unless it's to girlie-women."

"This bill will go down, but bills go down in California all the time. Such as Bill in the Castro, Bill in West Hollywood..."

"Because this bill conflicts with proposition 22 which was passed 5 1/2 years ago, my hands are tied. To the bedposts. With pantyhose."

"Same-sex marriage in California is like an Austrian bodybuilder action star who marries a Kennedy and then becomes a Republican governor: an affront to nature."

In a related story, former California Governor Gray Davis will explain today why his handling of the energy crisis in 2000 was actually correct, but most pedestrians will ignore him and keep walking.

Judge Rehnquist Will Continue to Serve After Death

In a surprise announcement, Chief Justice William Rehnquist has again insisted that he will continue to serve on the Supreme Court.

"There is no reason why I cannot continue to serve even in death. I will bring the same level of warmth, humanity and empathy to the Court that I have for the past 35 years."

Meanwhile, Justice Antonin Scalia spent the day after Labor Day removing the new stripes from his robes, and moving his furniture back out of Justice Rehnquist's chambers.